This is the first of a handful of short spoofs that I wrote for a school newspaper.
In 2016, Chase introduced a metal version of the Chase Sapphire Reserve Card. The first of its kind, the card was a stunning, ground-breaking innovation in consumer credit payments. “It’s exactly the same as my old card – just heavier,” said Marcus Peabody, Harvard Business School Class of 2020. “When I’m out to dinner with friends and I drop my card on the table, they hear the thunderous bass vibrations my card makes. I live for that moment.”
Not to be outdone, American Express responded in [month] of [year] with a metal edition of its aptly-named Platinum Card. Based on extensive interviews with customers, this journalist can exclusively reveal the purpose of this deft competitive maneuver: “It’s even heavier!” explained an ecstatic Peabody. “I switched immediately.”
Most recently, Apple has released its own metal credit card that users can sign up for online, or receive “free with in-store purchases of $7,500 or more.” How will the incumbents deal with this escalation?
Chase is ready. On September 16th, Chase will be unveiling a new card, according to Monica Willis, VP of Gravitational Marketing. “The new Blue Whale card from Chase allows users to enjoy all the rewards they’ve come to expect from our cards, plus so much more.”
The Blue Whale Card will weigh between 12 and 16 kgs and fits snugly into the lap-top sleeve of most backpacks. Said Peabody, who was asked to pilot the new card, “I have to use two hands to stick it in the chip reader at Trader Joe’s, but I know people are checkin’ me out. I’m never going back.”
Digital Treehouse 